Hold on Hope
by ncis-lady
Summary: Matt has never been the one to show his emotions. He's always tried to look strong, tried to focus on the life ahead instead of letting his feelings bring him down. Always hoping that, eventually, things would be okay, because when everything's gone, there's still hope to hold on to. He used to believe this. - Missing scene for 4x15.


This is my first ever Vampire Diaries fanfic, and I never planned to write one in the first place. But I just watched the last episode today and what can I say, I haven't cried so much over a TV show in months. (I guess the last time would be Bobby Singer's death in Supernatural) And for some reason, the scene that really did me in was the one with Matt alone in his car. ;( So here's a missing scene - or missing thoughts - from "Stay with me".

As always, I'm not a native speaker so feel free to point out any mistakes. Reviews are very much appreciated!

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**Hold on Hope (Missing scene for 4x15, "Stand by me")**

_I would tell you that it's OK to have hope. Because sometimes that's all that keeps them in your heart. _

_— _Matt to Elena in "Stand By Me"

His grip on the wheel is tight, his eyes set onto the road ahead. Matt thinks that his fingers ought to tingle, he should sense the vibration of the wheel, but then again he thinks that he won't feel anything any time soon. Probably never again. He actually wouldn't mind. Feeling hurts.

For a moment Matt looks to his right, away from the street, at Bonnie. He can't stand to look at her for long. Silent tears are cascading down her cheeks, her face is rigid, her big eyes wide open, focused. He doesn't know what she's thinking, if she's got a plan, if she's hopeless or desperate. For the first time in their years spend together, Matt can't figure out his friend.

He doesn't even try to.

The car shakes once, they've probably hit a bump in the road, it could be an animal, Matt doesn't care. He doesn't look into the rear-view mirror, because it wouldn't change anything. Objects in the rear-view mirror are left behind, they become smaller in the distance, and no matter how much you want to turn around you know it's useless. Matt knows what he would see. Vicki. His beautiful, careless, wonderful sister. His sister who he couldn't protect when she needed his help. He might see his mother. His father, maybe. Then again he's never seen him in person, so he's not even sure if he wants to. His whole family, objects in the rear-view mirror. And now there's Jeremy.

Matt chokes on the thought of the name. Jeremy, his friend. His best friend. The only one who loved Vicki as much as he did. His companion through the years, the one who never left his side, is gone. Just like that.

Of course Jer has died before, Matt has seen it happen. But he always came back. Ironically, he had to become supernatural to lose his immortality. Matt hates the irony. He hates the image of Jeremy's dead, pale body in his mind. He hates the echoes of Elena's cries in his ears.

Again he glances as Bonnie, he feels like he should say something. Anything.

"Bonnie..."

"Don't." Her voice is hoarse, as if she's been screaming, but she's been silent for the last ten minutes. Maybe she's screaming on the inside.

Matt focused on the road again.

The headlights fight their way through the dark, and he wishes he could just drive like this forever. He doesn't want to stop, he doesn't want Bonnie to leave, he doesn't want to be alone.

He wants Jeremy to be alive.

"Stop."

Bonnie's voice breaks the silence, and he hits the brakes. He would have missed her house although he's been here a million times. Finally, after an eternity of staring straight ahead, Bonnie turns to him.

"It's gonna be okay Matt, you'll see. I'll bring him back."

Is it a promise or a wish, he wonders. He needs it to be a promise.

"Get some sleep, Bon. We'll talk tomorrow."

I don't want to be alone.

But Bonnie leaves the car, and Matt feels like he can't stay a moment longer. He needs to get away, away from this house, away from his dead best friend's ex-girlfriend, away from this town where everyone around him dies.

People have died before. Alaric. Jenna. Tyler's mum. Vicki. Now Jeremy.

Jeremy is dead.

Dead.

Dead.

The words become louder and louder in his head, a steady rhythm like a drum, a hammer on a stone etching the words into solid rock to stay forever.

It's only then that he realizes that the car has stopped. He can't remember pulling over, let alone turning off the engine. The silence around him is overwhelming.

There, at the side of a road in the middle of nowhere, it hits him. He sees what he has shut out the whole day. He has closed his eyes against the truth, denied it when he took Elena away from her house, when he took Bonnie's hand and led her to the car, when he left behind the Gilbert house and his friend.

This time, he won't come back. This time, there's no vampire blood to the rescue, no magic to make things undone.

His best friend is gone, and Matt can't change that. Even if he went straight to Hell and back – and if there's anyone he'd do this for, it'd be Jer – he couldn't bring him back to life.

Matt has never been the one to show his emotions. He's always tried to look strong, tried to focus on the life ahead instead of letting his feelings bring him down. Always hoping that, eventually, things would be okay, because when everything's gone, there's still hope to hold on to. He used to believe this. And now he's sitting behind the wheel and his life is falling to pieces around him because the hope it has always been built up is crumbling to dust in front of his eyes. There is no hope. There is no cure for the vampires, no help for Tyler running from Klaus, not a chance that this was just a nightmare from which he will wake up again.

No awakening this time. No rewinding and starting all over.

Jeremy is dead, Vicki is dead, and Matt's life is a mess.

And when the tears finally start to flow and sobs shake his body, he cries for his sister, his friend, and maybe also for the child he once was and that got lost along the way.

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_Everybody's got a hold on hope, it's the last thing that's holding me. _

Guided by Voices, "Hold on Hope"


End file.
